toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
