It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
