she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
