u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
