Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
