I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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