Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
