gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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