when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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