I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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