dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
