So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
