Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
