I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
