How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
