What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
nutella sex= disaster
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
50% drunk capacity currently
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
