Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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