wakey wakey hands off snakey
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
