the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
