So drunk its hurt
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He felt like a one man threesome
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
