I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
