I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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