god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Randomize
