I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So much Jack, so little girl.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
