i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
