I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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