I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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