I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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