this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
