About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
