Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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