dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
