I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
