This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
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she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Can I color on your dick again?
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So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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