I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
