Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT