a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!