I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
