i just had sex bonerless
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
