my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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