theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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