How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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