you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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