there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
