K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
