running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
