my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
