naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
