How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
