dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
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He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
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Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.