Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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