i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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