even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
