im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
