Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
