i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
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after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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