I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
