You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Vodka?
Forever.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
