i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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