I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
