I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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