she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
