tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
