Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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